funny jokes

In the doctor's office is shaking the patient aggressively and immediately said:.
- Just do not say that I drink a lot!.
- What are you, - calmly doctor - just a few bites you.

In the village of Juliani ( near Kiev ), local businesses - care for Vietnamese kids whose parents are selling in the market. In the family, their relatives living brother six years ( from birth ) and sister (from three years), their mom traded in the market Troeschinskom, and my father was in graduate school.
For parents of children a rarely visited. It's time to go to Vietnam. And here the problem - the children do not speak Vietnamese and Russian but also so-so. But in the perfection.
speak Ukrainian ( the language is in Vietnam.
The little girl from Hanoi called his nurse and cried ' Baabe Lida! .

There is a lecture at the university. Professor tells of Roman legionaries, they say that they were in the campaigns over the years and it rallied the soldiers so that they are usually one vlyubLyalis.
in other. And it is encouraged, as Legionnaire lost a friend and lover in one person, was merciless to the enemy and took revenge for the murdered. A bespectacled, skinny student giggles:.
- So the legionnaires were queer?.
The professor sighed, took off his glasses and said:.
- Queers talking about? . No, my young friend, it was not queers. It was a real battle Pyd @ p @ raw!.

- Do you know what shut down the Armenian radio?.
- For the vulgar ads in the morning - ' Taking the! .

I work in the yard. For high opaque fence neighbor kid four years talking to the cat:.
- Well, Barsik go for a walk? . five minutes. You buy something, a beer f anemia *.

My grandfather told me:.
- Ah! .
my favorite, then the future, the wife, your grandmother, grandson. So different and so beautiful. It is a pity that the difference faded over the years.

A common mistake of bad bosses: they think that they are tightening the nut, but in reality - the spring is compressed.

- My daughter! .
- Why, Mom?.
- And here we have a little talk with your dad!.

- Mom, why are you without any reason shouted at my father?.
- You see, my daughter, he is now going to beat out carpets. And when he gets mad at me, it makes it much more energetic!.

One drunk to another complains to his wife:.
- How do I get home, she immediately: ' Come on, Dykhne! '.
- So you do as I. Breathe just as much as possible.
- And his wife?.
- Consciousness is lost!.

- Why do you have, the grandfather, the head is gray, and black beard?.
- Why? .

Hail the size of a baseball bat was the cause of death in the Zhitomir businessman Bosyuka. At least, well documented in police records.

According to forecasts meteorologist, this summer the temperature is higher than in winter.

Yury Shevchuk vowed to kiss Philip Kirkorov, if he shoot himself.

Railways authorized to declare that all the stable smells mezhvagonnyh transitions trains are fully identical with natural. So nothing to worry about.

I am going to lift. From the grain you look up at the ceiling of the elevator, and there is an inscription in large letters: ' Put EBALO! '.

There are three reasons for absenteeism: forgotten, washed down or scored.

My wife complains about her friend: ... py! '.

Abramovich walked past a beggar, said on his chest piece of cardboard with the inscription ' PAMAGITE '. ' The more help you, bro? ' .

Verka Serduchka - pregnant by Andrei Danilko.

The statement of an employee of one of the secret of FSUE '. if the Chinese take possession of our advanced technology, we have to. lean back at 30 years of some sort - amb! '.

For a brighter holiday February 23 Department of Defense issued a congratulatory extra edition of the draft board agendas.

I decided to talk to the new Russian suitor of his daughter.
A daughter, he says:.
- He was a good fellow, but a believer.
And in the evening he asked him, where he works, how they were going to live, this and that.
- Do you know that my daughter goes only on expensive cars and wears the most expensive dress? .
- I said people are not rich, but I will try and help me God.
- You know, said that my daughter likes to eat every day at expensive restaurants?.
- Yes, says, I know, but I'll ask God and he will help me.
- Do you know that my daughter loves to fly to Europe, go there to shop?.
- I will trust in God.
After the groom was gone, his daughter comes to her father and asks, as they say, he liked the groom or not?.
The father answers:.
- It is of course the Loch lohom, but I'm still glad that I am called by God!.

Japanese Prime Minister is the Minister of Foreign Affairs and asks:.
- You gave Russian note of protest over Medvedev's visit to the.
Kuril Islands?.
- Narrated by.
- And what did they say?.
- Binoculars presented.

There is a warrant officer in the barracks, he sees - the soldier scores a nail into a board, and he bends and does not go.
Ensign:.
- Hey, Vorontsov, are you not know how to hammer nails, come on, let me.
He took a nail and the astonished eyes of the soldiers ' bang ' on it 's head and scored the most hat on.
soldier:.
- Wow! .
Ensign:.
- Of course!.
We went to the wall: ' Bang ' - the outcome of the same!.
soldier:.
- And in tank armor could be?.
Ensign:.
- Easily!.
We went to the tank, have put the nail in the armor. Ensign scratched his forehead, and again it is -a- ka to give the nail and nail thickness of armor, then punched, and then - is not. He once again hit, and even. Anyway - does not work.
Ensign:.
- Come on, Vorontsov, look what I got such a strong.
Soldiers climbed onto the tank, opened the hatch and looked at him and says:.
- Ah, well understood, comrade lieutenant, then the political officer asleep.

Indians caught the Russian, German and French. And they say:.
- Here is a task: for 3 minutes to eat a bucket of bananas, tying your shoes and fuck a woman who can not cope - sozhrem.
Germans eat a bucket of bananas, and the hour is over - it on fire.
The Frenchman ate bananas and woman fuck, three minutes had no time to.
- On fire!.
Russian comes out, puts a woman with cancer, and let her stared at her ass put a bucket of bananas and eating, and a woman besides his shoelaces tying. Indians:.
- Hey! .
Russian:.
- So can a team contract is called, you saw me to the pope tie, so I had to saw wood cubic meter!.



At a meeting held on February 23, Russian paratroopers heart thanked Valentin Yudashkin for the development of new uniforms. After the meeting, the designer was taken to the intensive care unit Institute. Sklifosovsky.

The General comes waddling across the bridge, looking around the lazy eye and have been Well, he caught the eye of a soldier. Soldier AWOL as usual and wants to get past, pretending not to notice the general.
General:.
- A soldier, your mother, what is this? .
soldier:.
- According to the statute after the 147 point on the bridge is left!.
The general was taken aback, and immediately saluted the home, came flipped the statute, found the item you want, read and ofigivaet: ' P. 147. The soldier must be resourceful and courageous '.

- Sam, are you okay?.
- Yes, in a random.

3 guy sitting at the bar. Poured on 100 grams, had a drink.
One calls mobila.
- Yes, dear, what a necklace with diamonds in just two pieces of green. Of course, buy.
Poured another 100 grams, had a drink. Again calls mobila.
- Yes, dear, that ... Of course, buy.
Another 100 grams of drink, again calling mobila.
- Yes, dear, that the apartment in the center for half a lemon. Yes, buy, buy....
The man turns and says to Mobile:.
- This is Blin, some goof forgot my phone, and I puffed FOR HIM!.

Grandma comes to the duty room: - Help, a purse was stolen. - But where stolen, then the grandmother? . - It's not for us. Fuck you in the ass. - Where, where?.
- The township police department. Grandma Comes to send it: - Help, a purse was stolen! . - It's not for us, fuck you in the ass. - Where, where? .
- And where are you so said, it taught? . in. In. government.
Defenders of the Institute of Democracy.

The father asks his son:.
- Son, tell me, you can hear through the wall, when my mother and I have sex?.
Son of embarrassment:.
- No:.
- Strange, but we hear when you jerk off.

The captain said the sergeant:.
- Sergeant! .
- Of course I want!.
- Here's the address, go and pick Lieutenant Ivanov from the drunk tank.

They talk to two friends.
- I heard you divorced her Valera. What happened?.
- And you would be able to live with someone who smokes, drinks, swearing,.
spoiled grass, and even to the same hands, and dissolve every day?.
( sighing ): - No. Of course not!.
- Well, that Valery could not.



The General arrives in the verification of the. All military built. General greeting:.
- Wow, sons!.
- Woof, woof, woof, woof!.
- How are you?.
- Woof, woof, woof, woof!.
- And to be honest?.
- Oo-oo -oo- oo-oo.

From a letter to the sailor home. ' Dear mother, I went to the Navy because I liked the cleanliness and order, supported on a ship. But only a week ago, I realized who it supports clean '.

In the recruiting office recruit officer complains:.
- Comrade Colonel, why excuse for the army you have to take all 500, and $ 1,000 from me?.
- Because, dear Chmyrev, your name on a $ 800 pull!.

Speaking of geneticists:.
- Well, how's your new potatoes? .
In my opinion, full of garbage!.
- Quiet! .

The husband, lying in bed at night:.
- Listen, Lucy, that you did, if I dropped your toothbrush in the toilet?.
His wife, in a dream:.
- Well, I bought a new. waking Holy smoke, so you dropped my toothbrush in the toilet?.
- No, I just asked.
- Bastard! .

His father scolds Vovochku:.
- Yes, I was your age, you sort of parasite, cars unloaded at night! .

Tips from the cookbook:.
If you suddenly came to visit and you have nothing to entertain them - give them a pussy * lei - that the next time did not come unexpectedly!.

A man under the windows of the hospital screaming to his wife:.
- Man, mother?.
- She gave birth.
- How much?.
- Triple.
- My eat?.

Urgently need help. broken clock. Call every day, except.
weekends, at 7:00.



The man at the doctor:.
- Doctor! .
- He is a bastard,.
touches them, and do not let!.
- Well, my dear. In my opinion - only amputation.
- Nah! .
A couple of weeks, there are:.
- How are you, dear?.
- I found the method! . How abut.
begins -.
I told him, reptile, on the head! . '.
Well, I - there.

Aftershave, presented to you on February 23, perfectly useful to you just for cleaning toilets March 8.

My wife - her friend:.
- With her husband, we live in perfect harmony, everything on the wonderful: no swearing, no quarrel. full idyll. And all because of what I 'm doing just what I have written in the horoscope for today.
Her husband - a friend:.
- With his wife have all right. Because she decided to live strictly according to the sign. Subscribed to the newsletter. I was learned about this, broke her mail and was up to her own horoscope.

Juicy tomato mincemeat replaced.
A minimum of calories - I'm losing weight by summer!.
God Ladybug flight in the sky,.
Bring sausages, butter, cheese, bread.
So as not to fly twice, grabbing, dearie,.
Stuff five eclairs, cake slice!.
What? .
Only eat Hunt.
Ah, well, her diet,!.

He:.
- Numbs the heart in sweet pain,.
Flowing curl on his shoulder.
I write to you, what else?.
it:.
- Rzhu not a magician! .

Aftershave, presented to you on February 23, perfectly useful to you just for cleaning toilets March 8.


As it was established by British scientists, patients proctological department did not consider a romantic candlelight dinner.
Kopipaster must always remember that the word ' accordion ' and ' Bath ' differ only in the order of letters, and that not all.
Any married man happy to give up even one, and several ribs, if only he had no mother in law.
If you sit between the two programmers who wish to come true? .
The fewer there are, what to eat, the less you can drink. The more there are, what to drink, the less hungry. Hence, the more there are, what to drink, much less need to drink.

Teacher of Physical Education, says: ...

A drunk man in shorts, obscenely insulting passers-by all in a row, did not attract the attention of street vendors because of the sheer lack of money with. For the same reason it did not attract the attention of policemen on duty near.

When working without a mood, everything falls out of the hands. When working with a spark - all rolled out of the hands. Only when lying down with a bottle of beer in their hands, nothing bad happens. Probably need to tie to work, I feel - not my.

...
The answer to the question of Alfred Hitchcock actress Mary Anderson, from which side it is photogenic.

The most honest test to determine the temperament - a yellow traffic light.

Yes I am from a generation of children for whom ' Boomer ' - it's not a film about the BMW and Gopnik and gum awesome!.

From the forum:.
xxx: Give three software products that are used, but are not updated.
yyy: Solitaire, Minesweeper, and Spider.

If in the middle of the rope to tie a bottle of vodka, then pull the rope will be much more exciting.

- We are with my dad played in snowballs. Do you know how pathetic is still a lump in the throat.

In the Division of Drug URGENTLY required:.
- Account Manager with candy.
- flute.
- dragon.
- Blue paravozik.
- mineralochka.

xxx: let you now you come and lie with me, eh? ).
yyy: but what I get for this? . gif.
xxx: Blowjob )).

English 007 was abandoned in Russia. But he was quickly knocked.
legs and obezdvizheli two Russian agent - 0.7 and 0.5.

Three children preschool age trying to find out who the father soon.
1: - My father was so fast that the shot archery arrow catching up.
2: - And my father was a hunter shoots an animal and it picks up, not letting it fall to the ground.
3: - Do not you realize the speed. Here is my father, a civil servant, finishes work at 16-30, but at home as early as 15-45.

Old Jew at the racetrack:.
- Is it a horse? . DJ, not a horse! . Di - that it was a horse.

Mathematics teacher came by chance to a sex shop for the first time saw actually looks like a polynomial.

Yesterday terminates loot, so far all have to eat only a delicacy - buckwheat!.

With cars like the women can get a young, beautiful and clean devchinu, but it is very expensive you get up and spending a lot of it will be. And you will be happy to purchase.
Can an old and terrible, and even with an unknown past, and you get up and maintenance of deshego not very many leaves. And only you will think how to get rid.

I think - it's time to think, at whose expense would be.

February 14 - Day for Sex Card.
February 23 - men's deodorant.
March 8 - Day of vengeance for deodorant.

- Honey, do you want, I 'll get you out that star?.
- No, dear, now you sleep at home!.

A gentleman knows how to behave, and Don Juan knows how to lead to a.

- Sam, do you remember that my mom's birthday tomorrow?.
- What does it mean? .

- Guys, I have a horse fell.
- How?.
- Low. Smoking, drinking, turned the horses.

I read the news: ' Simferopol the full circus came into the Party of Regions. '. As a friend of mine used to say Grisha Ainbinder Jew '. Wee know, even the shit have to come on time! '.

In autumn, on a rainy gray day,.
Rode through the city deer.
There was, of cattle, is clearly not in itself.
Has led to major accidents.

Van Gogh cut off his ear. It is indisputable evidence that the radio ' Chanson ', there was already.

Enrolled in hypnosis. The first class did not like it, so I decided to pay once a year in advance and do not go there anymore.

It is said that in the future will take only Morflot not knowing how to swim - they are much better protect your ship!.

Serious relationship - this is when a young person starts to leave the apartment the girls with junk.

Perehoditt grandfather across the road as a traffic cop whistle, poor old man fell. He got up, goes to the cop and asks:.
- Son, you 're standing here day and night?.
- Yes!.
- And when the rain?.
- Yes!.
- And when the frost -25?.
- Yes!.
- And in the heat of 40?.
- Yes!.
I thought my grandfather and said - would be good of you out kuy.

The girl came to the gynecologist. Undressed, sat in a chair and spread her legs. Approached her doctor:.
- Above! .
- Above! .
- Above! .
- I can no longer above.
- Office of the gynecologist on the floor above, and I am a dentist.

Beethoven Miaskovsky ate, drank Tchaikovsky and Paganini was his. He took a sheet and went dvorzhek, sat near the Mussorgsky. There was a noise, and then boom! .

Baba soon be 40 years old,.
Jumps like a fool,.
Give the correct answer: Who is this?.
- Maiden!.

A man sits in a school hallway and waits for her daughter. Passes by a teacher:.
- Waiting for a baby?.
- No, I'm always so fat....

Vodka ' Time Machine '. He drank - and tomorrow.

New! .

- What part of the body most runs during masturbation?.
- Ears. You listen, not whether those who.

- Speak, speak, I'm always yawning when I'm interested.